if you were to look at my life- you would think I had it all together- that everything was perfect happiness.
what you would not know is that I am a jealous person, that I have a very hard time staying encouraged and that i struggle daily to spend time with my Creator.
sounds kind of normal, right? things we all have a tendency to deal with-
what you would not know is that I have been trying to be a mommy for about 2 years- with obviously no avail.
Its a long story filled with emotion, and numbness, disappointment and regret. Its also filled with hope, and hopelessness, joy and joylessness.
I have learned many life altering lessons through this trial. And although I do not always stay encouraged I know that my Comforter is always there, with arms wide open.
Now i feel its time to share our journey...
It all started a long time ago when i was not having "normal" periods- never really gave it much thought- was diagnosed with PCOS- but with no other symptoms just abnormal menstrual cycles.
Got engaged- started thinking more seriously about it- Knew i wanted to have some "alone time" with my husband before kids. Got married and I went on BC for about a year and then decided in June of 2010 to stop taking it knowing that my body was not "normal" so i wanted to give it time before we seriously considered having children.
Well I didn't have a cycle until about 6-7 months later- and then they started coming every 2 weeks. Wait, WHAT! Numerous doctors appt later, ended me in February of 2011 about to go in yet again to see what was going on. I spent some time praying and I just had this feeling today is the day. But not wanting to walk away disappointed I kept telling myself i am not pregnant.
Went in everything looked normal, they had me to a urine test and wait what was that, it came back... Positive?? Are you sure? I was in utter shock- i just stared at my doctor. She was very excited for me and so was my nurse- i was in heaven! It was a beautiful sunny day, we just put an offer in on our first house! Perfection, right?!
Since I had been spotting they wanted me to get my blood work done and to go have an ultrasound. Scheduled all that with time to go and tell my husband at work - I was so excited. I have always dreamed about this moment- when i get to announce that I am pregnant and tell the one who is going to get to share on this wonderful journey!
So I went into Matt's office and he was very concerned because he had no idea why I had come to see him and thought it could be bad news...
When i told him he was very happy- he immediately tried to think of when we could tell other people and how we would! We were excited!
Then it was on to me ultrasound- we were going to see our baby for the first time and before the "normal" time! We will have a picture to go with our good news!
I am laying on the table now, nervous, Matt is beside me- and we are waiting- she is checking everything else first my ovaries, my lining...then another nurse comes in to look at the baby, she is moving around but not showing us anything. I am getting really nervous now, why isn't she saying anything. I understood that the baby would be really small we really did not know how far along i was. "Well", she says in a very matter of fact way... "How far a long did you say you were?" Umm i didn't, we don't know. "Well, I don't see anything, are you sure you had a positive pregnancy test"? (Wabam, smack right in the face.) Umm, yes they just need to know how far a long I am. "I will send these to your doctor, but we don't see anything." Oh, ok thanks for being so considerate lady, urgh. I was crushed, I knew I still had the blood work to come back, so Matt and I started praying- we wanted it to be true so bad!!
We went home, crushed and feeling very sad, it was hard not to. I waited for the call from my doctor which came right before 5pm. "Amber, I am sorry. Your levels are not high enough to support a pregnancy, and with your ultrasound results, it seems to be like you had a false positive. We will wait and have your blood work done next week to make sure, but I am sorry dear. It looks like we were wrong."
After that i cried and laid on the couch cuddled with my husband and puppy- i was devastated! We called off our plans that we had been scheming on how to tell our family and friends.
Matt was very encouraging- and we still had a small glimmer of hope and boy did I hope! I really believed that i was pregnant so maybe it just was to early!
The next blood test came and no. The levels were still low not supportive of a pregnancy.
...More to come... I am having a hard time writing it all out...
XOXO
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